In Sickness and In Health

So many people take the “In Sickness and In Health” portion of their wedding vows for granted. It’s a thing that you say, but not everyone really thinks about what it means, how it can shape your whole life.

They think that they’ll mostly be healthy and that vow will really only mean wiping up puke a couple of times, nuking a couple cans of soup, picking up a few tissues.

But it’s not just that. And it’s not just the health of your partner that you need to think about. It’s your kids, and their kids, and their family, and your family, and your friends, and their friends. You’d be surprised at how many other peoples’ well-being can affect your relationship. You’d be surprised at the things you wouldn’t think you’d have to sacrifice when you’re up there, repeating those vows, full of tears and hope.

“In Sickness and In Health” means that you hold your wife when she collapses from the grief of her latest miscarriage. It means enduring months and months of invasive and uncomfortable and expensive fertility treatments in the hope that you can one day hold the baby you’ve been dreaming of for years. It means that you have to do all of the grocery shopping and all of the cooking and all of the cleaning when she has to be on bedrest or she and your baby might die.

“In Sickness and In Health” means that you spend your 26^th wedding anniversary in a hospital waiting room while your wife’s nephew has half his clavicle and his entire left arm amputated in a vain attempt to stop his cancer from spreading.

“In Sickness and In Health” means driving your mother-in-law to colonoscopy appointments and sitting with her while the anesthesia wears off.

“In Sickness and In Health” means that you spend hours helping your girlfriend download music for her friend who is on bedrest so that she can send a care package.

“In Sickness and In Health” means watching your wife’s witty, kind, jovial father turn into a shell of his former self as he wastes away from Alzheimer’s. It means watching your husband’s sweet, funny, spirited grandmother do the same.

“In Sickness and In Health” means having to protect your wife from her mentally ill mother.

“In Sickness and In Health” means you sit with your father-in-law as his cancer slowly steals him away and listen to the war stories he never told anyone else.

“In Sickness and In Health” means taking a friend’s infant twins for a week so she can say goodbye and bury her mother.

“In Sickness and In Health” means letting your new husband’s cousin and his mother have a mother/son dance at your wedding, because he’s dying and they won’t get to have one of their own.

"In Sickness and In Health" means taking in your wife's cousins' kids because the cousin has a drug problem and can't care for them. 

Your vows and your marriage and the choices and the sacrifices you make are about you and your spouse, but they're about so much more than you and your spouse, and the ripples can be so large. When the storms of life are raging, hold tight to one another, hold tight to the vows you made, and remember that they're big, but your love is bigger. 

Baby Brother is all grown up

Brother's birthday is upon us, and I want to commemorate it the way I have the last several important birthdays that I have celebrated: with a list of reasons why this person is awesome. Without further ado:

1) His work ethic. He may be a little bit of a punk, but he manages to participate in several teams/extracurricular activities while holding down a job and making the honor roll (with several honors/AP classes), and is consistently one of the hardest working people at his job

2) He makes me laugh, whether it's with his God-awful impressions, his RIDICULOUS ego, or the way he taunts mom and dad, he pretty much never fails to force me to crack a smile.

3) He wants to be a special ed teacher because he wants to work with the happiest kids on campus.

4) He volunteers with younger kids who just worship him because he includes them and makes them feel important.

5) He's been working on being more communicative lately, and will call me on his way home from work just to chat.

6) When we were little, and he would get a treat, he would always ask for one for me, too.

7) He's a cute kid, and, as The Boy says, "could totally 'slay'" (the ladies) if he wanted to, but he doesn't--he treats them well and does all sorts of romantic things for the girl he is dating (well, the girls he's dated, as he's currently single) instead of being a skirt-chasing douche.

8) Sometimes, before I moved, just because he loves me, he used to bring me ice cream at work.

9) His passion. It's hard to get him into something, but once he is, he goes all out. 

10) He is as much of a big kid as I am--we like to watch Disney movies, eat junk food, and do silly things like play with sparklers and little kid toys, and we're completely unapologetic about it.

11) Terri Guillemets said that "After a girl is grown, her little brother - now her protector - seems like a big brother." Brother is super protective of me and likes to puff out his chest and look down his nose at the boys I bring around, which is really starting to actually become intimidating, because he's now 6-3 and can bench press me. 

12) They say that even if you don't speak often or you don't have a good relationship with your siblings (I do wish we spoke more, but I think we have a good relationship), it doesn't matter what is going on, you have a short hand and they just understand you in a way that almost no one else can--they know your history, and they speak your language. All I have to do is look at Brother and he knows exactly what I mean. It's a nice feeling.

13) I can't even count the number of times that people have told me what a great guy he is--it makes me proud to be his sister, because he gives us a good name. 

14) Arguably, of all of the people in my life, I've probably been bitchiest to him, but he still loves me anyway. 

15) We both have quick tempers (at least, or especially with each other), and we can have knock-down-drag-out fights, but we don't hold grudges with each other. The next day, we're back to laughing. 

16) NBD, NBD, NBD, kiipkiipkiipkiip, wooziewooziewoozie

17) He's really good at picking friends--people with integrity, loyalty, and maturity. His friends are really great people, which says a lot considering how truly awful most teenagers are. 

18) His integrity--he strives to live a Christ-like life, and he does a pretty good job. He doesn't drink or do drugs, he isn't mean, he serves, he's kind. I'm proud of him. 

Happy belated birthday, little Bro. I love you. Also, you really need to just tell me what you want for your birthday/graduation. 

The Future is So Bright, He has to Wear Shades

Or some such cliched, inspirational nonsense.

Brother graduated from high school this year. It makes me feel old, having a baby brother who will be starting college in the fall.

He wants to major in Special Ed and minor in ASL, because he wants to work with the happiest kids on campus. I feel like this makes him a pretty good (if naive) person. I admire him a lot.

He's been working like a boss lately--he just got a job installing fire alarms in local schools and he has been doing such a great job that he got promoted after like a week. He's one of the hardest workers on the team and consistently gets the most done. He seems to really like it and I'm really proud of him.

I think he's going to do well. I think I will try to convince him to not live with Mom and Dad all 4 years, like I did, because I think I missed out on a lot of the "college experience" that I hope he gets. I want to convince him to do a study abroad, because I didn't, and everyone I know who did, said that it was the best thing they ever tried. I hope he grows. I hope he learns, and doesn't just get an education. I hope that he meets people who will challenge him and change him. I hope that if he meets a girl, that I will like her (don't judge--you all know you want to like your in-laws, too). I hope he will find something that he's looking for. I hope he remembers who he is, even through all of the changes. I hope he has to work hard, but that he finds joy in that. I hope he loves it.  

My Mommy is better than your Mommy.

Today is my Mother's birthday. Unfortunately I am 2,101 miles away from her today, so I couldn't be with her. Here are 44 (she's not shy about her age) reasons why I am so grateful that she is mine.

1. She's always cold. I am also always cold, so I can count on her to lobby for the thermostat with me. I can also always count on her to have a blanket/sweater.
2. She is kind. Everyone that knows her knows that she is an unbelievably kind woman. This sometimes means that people take advantage of her, which makes me sad, but proud that I have the kind of mother that other people know they can rely on.
3. She's generous with her love. I've had many friends consider her their second mother, and she took in my brother's best friend when he had no where else to go. Her best friend's children also love her deeply and know that she is madly in love with them, too. She chooses to love, even when she doesn't have to. Robert Brault once said that "there is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child--and an instinct to make any child who needs love, her own." My mother is the epitome of this woman.
4. She makes me chocolate chip waffles, even though she doesn't like them.
5. She shares my love of happy endings and sappy love stories. It shows me that she is ever hopeful and wants to others to share the happiness that she's found.
6. 23 years after meeting him, she is still madly in love with my father, and has managed to keep him in love with her as well. This is a testament to the both of them and how wonderful they both are, but also shows her immense loyalty.
7. She is fiercely loyal. Often referring to herself as the "Momma Bear," she will fight tooth and nail against any and all things or people who threaten those she loves--even when we're hurting ourselves--and will do all in her power to restore us to health and happiness.
8. She is funny, and silly, and willing to do things like jump in bouncy castles with me.
9. She pushes me to do things that are scary, because she knows that I need it. It was her refusing to carry me anymore that made me learn to walk, her refusing to drive me anymore that made me learn to drive, her wrestling me into the cart that made me learn to love roller coasters, and her believing in me to bring me to this place.
10. She does not gossip. Although she is usually surrounded by people who bring her gossip and wish that she would engage with them, she does not disparage others, nor does she share secrets that are not hers.
11. She has taught me the importance of the little things that show support. Things like making a favorite treat or always going to sporting events/concerts/plays/graduations/parties/whatevers, holding hands, a little note, a "just because I love you" present--she is a master of these small but oh-so-significant gestures of love.
12. Like me, she hates veggies.
13. She has an inability to extricate herself from a situation. It is impossible for us to leave anywhere without at least 3 people stopping us to talk to her. It's annoying, but it shows how well-loved she is.
14. She loves a good bargain, and has taught me the value of a sale.
15. She's really smart and loves smart-people humor.
16. One drink makes her tipsy. This was good for laughs on our vacation to Mexico.
17. She's a great hugger, and even though I am now a grown woman, she always pats my back as if she's burping me when she hugs me.
18. When I was a baby, I didn't respond to lullabies, so she wrote me my own. It still relaxes me when I'm having a hard night.
19. She likes to plan, and make lists, and has taught me to always be prepared.
20. She knows what people are capable of and insists on excellence.
21. She will stay up late to whether it was to wait for me to come home from hell week, just so she can make me a warm dinner, or because I needed to talk, or because Brother needs someone around while he does his homework, or because we need something made or mended.
22. She will then rise early the next morning to help us get ready, or to give us a ride, or just spend a few minutes with us.
23. She ages gracefully. While she does not dress like an old woman, she doesn't try to cling desperately to her 20s. She is stylish, but appropriately so.
24. She shares her food and her drinks with us, and everything tastes better with mom-spit on it.
25. When I was dating a boy who had a horrible mother who was cruel to me and made things difficult, she was graceful and did all within her power to make it as easy as possible for me. She changed her holiday plans to accommodate me, because she didn't want to make the fight any worse and knew that ultimatums are not the way to love your children or the people they love.
26. She loves to read and gave me a love of books.
27. She has taught me the importance of faith, and reminds me that even when I am angry with God, there is a piece of me that will always know Him and will always lead me back.
28. She is possibly the most empathetic person I know and cannot abide the hurt of others, even those who deserve hurting. She raised Brother and I to be the ones that see the hurting and to include and defend them, and to never intentionally add to the hurt, but to do our best to heal it.
29. She has taught us to prioritize the important things in life, like our family and our friends, because when we look back, those will be the things we wish we had spent more of our time, talent, and treasure on.
30. She is a servant. She sees what needs doing, and she does it. She cares for far more people than I think I ever could.
31. She is steadfast. No one has ever accused her of wrongdoing, and no one would believe it if they had.
32. She taught me to value myself, to see that I am lovely and worthy of love, smart and funny and kind, because she taught me to be those things, and to see them in others.
33. She always points out the silver lining in my grey cloud of complaints.
34. Thomas Edison once said that his mother was "so true and so sure of [him], [he] felt that [he] had someone to live for--someone [he] must not disappoint." My mother has such a belief in me that I have no choice but to do well, because I must honor that faith. She makes me better.
35. She never gave us all that we wanted. Although we were helped, she never spoiled us. She gave us an appreciation for what we had and what we worked for.
36. My mother bruises like a peach. This did not stop her from rocking Brother while he periodically leaned forward and then whipped his head back into her sternum with all of his power, because he loved being rocked.
37. She is always on the other side of the phone when I need her, whether it's for a recipe, or instructions on removing a stain, or someone to complain to, or someone to listen to what I'm excited about, she is always there.
38. Although I have made her spitting mad, and disrespected her, and taken her for granted, I have never for a moment doubted her love for me.
39. Her ability to forgive is formidable. She taught me that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting it to make the other person sick. She also taught me that once forgiven, one does not have to put oneself in the same position again.
40. My mother is the kind of woman who brings peace wherever she goes. I know this because I am a terribly anxious person, but being around her is like being able to breathe again after being underwater for a while--it's like all is right again, or will be soon enough.
41. She is a master at "Mothering"--taking care of others, and it is a skill set and a character trait that she has passed on to me. It's probably my favorite thing about her.
42. She brought me into this world, and as she always says, she can take me out--meaning she will not tolerate any of my crap. It means I give less crap.
43. Alice Walker said "Yes, mother, I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me." My mom taught me that everyone has flaws, and that it's ok to not be perfect all of the time. Sometimes our "flaws" are the most beautiful things about us. 
44. She is an excellent mother, and so many people have told me that they wish she was theirs. I am so glad that she is mine.

Mommy, I miss you, but I hope you had a great birthday. I love you so much.