Friday, September 27, 2013

What there is

Readers, I feel really defeated.

Being un/underemployed is really, really hard. And there are no lights at the end of this tunnel, there are only unreturned emails and phone calls the occasional interview that comes to naught. 

What there is, is students who fall asleep while you're tutoring them. Students who fall asleep in the middle of a 1-1 conversation that is certainly not for my benefit. I know what operant conditioning is, thank you, and I have no use for a refresher. What there is is students who curse at you and bemoan your existence in their lives at every opportunity until you finally snap and tell them to quit bitching and do their shit, which lands you in a meeting with your supervisor about "appropriate ways to interact with students". 

What there is, is a lot of crying and staring at your ever-shrinking checking account balance and wondering how you're going to make your student loan payments that start in 54 days.

What there is, is hopes that are dashed and dreams that have come crashing down and the prospect of having worked incredibly hard for 6 years to get a Bachelor's and a Master's degree only to move back in with your parents and face a lifetime of working retail. What there is, is optimism that is crushed every time someone says "we decided to go with someone else." What there is, is a lot of humiliation, embarrassment, and shame every time you have to tell the people who you had pulling for your interview that once again you didn't get it. 

What there is, is a lot of crying and yelling at your boyfriend and your family and your friends about how they don't understand how incredibly awful it feels to see no upside. What there is, is them telling you "at least you don't have other mouths to feed, or a mortgage to worry about," as if somehow being childless and functionally homeless (without the beneficence of The Boy/my parents if it comes down to that) is something that makes me happy.* I understand that my circumstances could be more dire, but this is pretty fucking dire for me. 

What there is, is a lot of people telling you to "enjoy this time because you'll have the rest of your life to work" as if all you ever really wanted to do with your life is to watch daytime television and feel completely worthless and useless because you can't bring yourself to wash last nights dinner dishes because, really, what's the fucking point? 

What there is, is a lot of showering because you're afraid to let yourself become someone who doesn't shower, not because you actually think there is a point to showering when all you do is wake up to go to sleep again. 

What there is is a lot of wondering how none of your friends are in this position and wondering what is wrong with you and what you're doing wrong, because it can't be possible that you can't think of anyone else who had to wait this long for a job after graduation, and if everyone else can make it work, why can't you? 

*I saw a thing on Pinterest the other day saying "Saying someone can't be unhappy because someone might have it worse is like saying that someone can't be happy because someone might have it better."