Monday, October 31, 2011

Remembering who the eff I am

So this period of my life is all about growth and change. It's annoying that I'm doing all this growth and change now, and not several years ago like most people, but that's what happens when you live at home in undergrad. You don't have any growing pains at 18, you get them whenever you move away and have to figure your life out on your own.  It's a lot harder than I expected. I took a lot of who I am and what I believe for granted.

Since I've been out here, I've adopted a "Yes Man" attitude and I just go along with things. Socializing almost every night (at least at first, before we had a crapton of work all the time)? Sure. Intramural Soccer? Why not? Make a website for the research project? Ok. Watch football? Yeah. I say yes now. These are all things I used to say no to, and while I'm glad I'm saying yes more, it's messing with my head. I'm becoming a different person. And I think I might like the person I am becoming, but I also kinda liked who I was before. I at least didn't dislike her. So it's disconcerting to think that she's going away to make room for this new, more easygoing? (no one who knows me here would call me easygoing, that's for sure) whatever I am.

And when I got my stats test back with a bad grade, I had this fatalistic freak out day. I cried. All day. On the phone with my parents in the quad, in the office with my roommate, on the most annoyingly bad service phone call with Bestie, all by myself writing an email to my undergrad advisor, I cried a lot. Big, heaving sobs. Stupid crocodile tears that refused to listen to reason, that didn't hear the "It's not so bad's" and the "You can recover from this's" and "You might be doing badly at the moment, but this is the first time you've ever been challenged in school and it's just taking some adjustment, it's not that you're too dumb to be here's". I seriously considered quitting. It's too hard to be here if I'm not going to hack it. I miss my friends and my family and good Mexican food and grid systems and getting enough sleep and watching TV and things being easy.

But then I woke up on Friday morning and thought to myself, "Self (oh, Mr. Evil WH teacher, how you still haunt me), what the eff. You are not a quitter. You are a hard worker. You are rise-to-the-bar-er. You do not let people tell you 'No'. You go after what you want. You make the best of things. You do not cry like a little bitch and take it. You make it work. Get your butt to school and figure it out".  And I did. I have a study group, and I'm going to office hours more often, and I'm changing the way I take notes, and I'm making it freaking work.

I might be growing and changing, and I might be being slapped in the face by assumptions that I held about myself, but I refuse to change some things. My stubbornness tenacity is one of my favorite things about myself, and I refuse to let that be beaten out of me taken from me.

Also, an official thank you to Mom and Dad, Bestie, Roommate, and Undergrad Advisor for talking me down from the ledge. I know it seemed like I wasn't listening to you and was actually pretty rude to you all when you tried to make me feel better, but I appreciate you. I came around eventually =)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Feeling Ornery and Argumentative

So tonight I was commenting all over Facebook telling people that I think they're wrong. Normally, I just do this in my head, because I find internet comment wars annoying and tedious, but tonight I just couldn't hold back.

Someone posted some blog/article about that "bootstraps" college girl who paid her way through school and how that sign is probably complete BS, which is actually probably true, but judging from my own experience of college and my lack of debt and the fact that my parents contributed less than $4,000 for tuition, etc (unless you count rent, which I partially paid for like a year? year and a half?) and they did help with my car(s), but I also paid a LOT of money for them--more than what most of my friends paid for their craigslist cars, and the fact that I ate out and shopped and such to my heart's content, I would say that it is, to an extent, possible to work hard and not have debt when you graduate. It totally is. And for some reason, I had to say it was. I couldn't just let it go.

And then someone posted about shoes. And I love shoes. And I have way too many. I like pretty things. And if you added up all of the money I've spent on shoes, it would probably horrify me. But these shoes were $700. For one pair. Of beautiful, but highly impractical shoes. And I was just like, "No. You cannot spend that much money on one pair of shoes. Go feed an orphan." And I realize the hypocrisy in my statement, but there is a line. I'm not sure where it is, but there's a line, and $700 crosses it. And I just had to say something.

And then a staffer from my old church/job posted about how he doesn't like it when he hears the students are at parties where there's drinking. Which I find completely ridiculous. If the student isn't drinking, it's not "of the world" to be there. It's actually probably a good thing. There's a sober person making sure that no one is choking on their vomit or driving drunk or having risky, unprotected sex in the bathroom (I know, because I was that sober student at plenty of drunken parties). It's being an example of someone who can have fun without being drunk. And he drinks! I've seen it! Which, by the way, I think is totally kosher. I drink plenty, but I do so responsibly and legally (I mean, when I was younger, there were a few instances of illegal underage drinking, but that's not the point here). My point was, I don't see how this is a problem. Is it ideal? No. But you know what? I would rather have kids like Brother or my cylinder girls at the drunken party than sitting around in their Christian bubble being all judgy. And I just can't let it go.

And I read a Dr. Isis blog about nursing in public and got annoyed at the commenters who were all "we can flash boob whenever and you can't be offended that I'm whipping out my boob in the middle of this CONFERENCE PRESENTATION.WHILE I'M THE ONE PRESENTING" And I was like dude, feed your kid, whatever, but use a freaking hooter hider. Have a modicum of consideration for the people that are around you. As much as the breast is about feeding an infant, it is also an erogenous zone, and it is sexualized, and frankly, I would be similarly uncomfortable if a dude I was in a meeting with took his shirt off/unbuttoned it so that a large part of his chest was exposed. Even if he had spilled something. We wear clothes in public. I've been around plenty of nursing women, and while it is very natural and beautiful and whatever, it's also weird to see my friend/colleague/family member's boob. It just is.

And I don't know why I can't let it go. I don't know why I HAVE to say something, but I do. Whatevs.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Things I tell myself when I don't wanna do it any more...

So I had my first stats test last week, and I was fairly nervous. I don't think that I like this thing where school is now hard. I miss school being easy. School being hard gives me anxiety. And that is really all I'm going to say about that. Besides the fact that it makes me a little sick to think that I will continue taking tests until I am at LEAST 28, which, in my opinion, is far to old to still be taking exams. FAR TOO OLD. I mean, that's 23 years worth of tests. Uuuuuugggghhhhhh. I better be a freaking genius when this is over. As much as I love what I do, there are certain aspects of it that I really hate. Like taking tests. But I just gotta remember: I don't wanna be doing anything else.

New thing that I've learned/had confirmed about myself: I actually really really enjoy teaching. Quite a bit. I was in a terrible mood Wednesday, but then I went to tutor and it made me feel so much better, because I realized that I DO know SOME things, and I can convey them in a coherent manner to someone who doesn't know these things. It was really nice.

Also new-ish in my life is I'm dating. Not that I've never dated before, but I'm dating someone new. It's new. It's not a big deal, but he loves Disney movies, too, which automatically makes him adorable. If there is something worth telling, I'll tell.

This weekend was Fall break at my school, and more than half of my cohort went home/their Undergrad institutions to visit (which I totally should have done when I realized that I actually don't really have anything on Monday or Tuesday either), making this the least eventful weekend I've had since I moved out here. It was nice though, because I got to go to bed early, and sleep late, and I went to church this morning, and did my cognitive midterm, and cut a lot of coupons, and went shopping (which I definitely should NOT have done). Plus I didn't have to deal with the craziness of non-rev travel, which is always nice.

Anyway, I'm now going to take my last few hours of nothing-to-do-ness and watch tv online. Because I can. And it shall be glorious. The end.