Tequila. I need tequila.

I should not be updating. I should be midterming. Or reacting. Or packing. Or cleaning.

I'm stupid busy, readers. And I was getting things done like a boss, at least until I made a run to Taco Bell for dinner. Which I shouldn't have done, because I'm fairly certain that Taco Bell isn't actual food (although it is the second best Mexican I've had since I moved here--how depressing is that???), and because it killed my momentum, and it was $6 that I didn't need to spend, but whatever. It's done.

My shit has been resolved, which is good, because I don't know how much longer I could have kept that up. My friends' shit is in the process of getting resolved, which is good, because I don't know how much longer I could keep up that level of worry about them.

Tomorrow I leave for Spring Break with The Boy. We're going to his hometown. I'm meeting everyone. I've been operating at a low-level panic attack for the last 36 hours or so. I don't know what to wear, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, but I do know that I'm pretty sure this is the most nervous I've been about meeting anyone, ever. Since this is an exercise in introspection, let's unpack why, shall we?
1) I have bf's family PTSD from my college boyfriend. They hated me. It was supremely unpleasant.
2) Because of the extreme unpleasantness of being hated, I've decided I'm not opening that can of worms again. The next time I have such a contentious, toxic relationship (or even one half as bad), I'm bailing.
3) The thought that that could happen, for reals (even if it is unlikely and I'm being completely irrational and a total nutcase), is a troubling thought, because it puts an expiration date on our relationship. I don't want an expiration date. Recent events made me realize I'm way more attached than I thought I was.
4) Being attached is very scary business, indeed.
5) Meeting the family/friends is a big deal. So far, we've existed in this nice bubble of our mutual friends who have no frame of reference for our past selves or past relationships, but meeting people who have known him his whole life have all of these expectations about who/what is good for him, and they will be evaluating me from that mindset. Having Bestie come out in 2 weeks does the same thing. Taking us out of our protective bubble is scary. It makes things more real. It raises the stakes.
6) I'm not saying I want to marry him, because I am so not there. But I might be, someday. And this meeting the family thing, it seems like a step in that direction. And if I take him home with me in a couple of months, that's another step.
7) I will say, I think this is a good nervous. And I really like that he isn't nervous. He isn't worried about the disaster that I'm picturing. It's reassuring.
8) I am super excited for the weather. It's gonna be 80(!) on Wednesday.

In other news, I was starting to feel good about school until midterms hit this week. I just feel like there is so much. And stats class last semester basically shredded my confidence. I enjoy it more this semester, but I don't know that I'm actually doing very well at all. We shall see after I get my first assignment back. I will say that I have a total lady crush on my professor, though. She's like the most awesome person, ever. And I actually understand her when she speaks, which is nice. I need to finish my Developmental midterm and my reaction for Personality, both of which need to be done in 14 hours and 21 minutes. Oy.

In other, other, aforementioned news, Bestie is coming in 2 weeks. I die. Really. We will be seeing the Hunger Games and going to a Darty (day-drinking party) and engaging in general shenanigans. So excited.