Monday, April 2, 2012

Boo Boo Hole

This past weekend, I was able to go home to throw a bachelorette party for my other bestie, Cupcake. It was a whirlwind and I am still exhausted. Because her sister and I (co-MOH's) both are in school in other states, she bought several bridesmaids' dresses for us to try on with the hopes that we wouldn't actually have to go shopping. These hopes were in vain. For some reason, pleating is really "in" right now. My childbearing hips do not know why this is the case. Pleats are cruel and unforgiving (although they aren't as bad as bandage skirts/dresses, which somehow make skinny girls look curvy, and heavy girls look thin, and me (slender, but curvy (read: T & A), well within the normal weight range for my height) look like a beached whale). 10 stores and ~25 dresses later, we finally found a teal-ish/aqua-ish one-shoulder number that's gauzy and beachy and cute without making me look a little pregnant.

We had a lingerie shower at her house, where we did jello shots, played games (get the dick in the hole*, among others), and opened naughty presents. Hilarity and inappropriateness ensued. When I did my shopping, I made the Boy come to the adult store with me, because while I am not terribly prude (I mean, I got her a vibrating cock ring, for goodness' sakes), there is some weird shit in those places (like the dildo that was 4 inches in diameter and if it was physically possible, would have gone up to my boobs if fully inserted, and no, it wasn't a two-way, because it had balls at the end). When I told this story, Cupcake's other friend (who was the only one who got a dirtier present than I did) laughed at me and said that she not only is willing to go by herself, she has a frequent customer card and "wanted [her] points, dammit!"

After the shower, we went to a club in the clubby part of town and danced and laughed and drank overpriced drinks and were mildly dance-raped by strangers. Cupcake was suuuuper drunk and, when shot a look of mild horror, would push the dance-raper away and yell at him for assaulting her friends. A bouncer finally had to tell her to stop it. It was hilarious and wonderful, and I am so happy for her and her fiance. I love them both dearly, and I'm glad that she is with someone who so clearly adores her. I think they'll have a long and happy life together, especially if he keeps paying the cleaning lady. Their wedding is going to be amazing, and having that light at the end of the tunnel is seriously what is going to get me through finals. Four days on the beach with friends, food, and booze? Yes, please!

*It is a relay race in which you tie a hotdog to a string around your waist so that it dangles to your knees, and then without using your hands, try to get the hotdog through the top of a milk jug. Hilarity ensues. The first team to all successfully and quickly get their dicks in the hole wins.

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