Thursday, February 9, 2012

The shit hath hitteth the fan. Ith. -->

So as recent events have unfolded (and again, I am not at liberty to discuss other peoples' shit on the internet, just know that it exists, and for the purposes of this post, I am not going to talk about my own shit in detail other than to complain), I have really come to understand the importance of developing and maintaining strong support systems. It's important to have people, both near and far, who will be there for you when the shit hits the fan. Because it will. It's important to be the kind of person that cultivates relationships with people you want to support and who will support you.

And it's important to have a SYSTEM, a NETWORK. Not a single support person. You can't support an entire roof with one beam. You need to have a few people who can help. You need to be willing to be vulnerable with multiple people, because one person can't take on all your shit. And you need to be part of a lot of people's support systems. You need to be the kind of person that people count on when things get hard, because it's only fair to return the favor. And it does make you appreciate your life more, in a schadenfreude-y kind of way. (And friends with shit--I am not rejoicing in your pain. Really, I'm not.)

And I just want to say that I appreciate the support systems that I have in my life, both here, and back home, and in other, random places. I appreciate that I can call you guys when things go wrong, and you'll talk me through it. You'll give me hugs and ice cream and make it better, and I would be in pretty bad shape if it wasn't for all of you.

That being said, I need to get some freaking sleep. And that sleep needs to not be interrupted by nightmares, because I can barely form a coherent sentence. And it took me approximately 6 hours to get through 2 articles and my reaction paper is truly terrible. Truly. I am sorry, advisor, for the giant, steaming pile of disappointment that this reaction paper is going to be. I also have not been eating much, because I have no appetite because I am unhappy and when I am unhappy I am not hungry at best and nauseous at worst, and when I can muster up the will to eat, everything tastes like sand. It's really throwing me off, this being starving and exhausted thing. And apparently, it's becoming obvious to the people around me that I am unhappy, considering like 6 people did a double take at my barely-any-makeup and seriously-fuckit hairstyle and the 4 pounds that I've lost in the last week and the fact that I didn't have the energy to wear real pants to school on Tuesday (yoga pants are acceptable attire for grad school, right?) and asked me what's wrong.

I'm trying to remember high school when I was this unhappy on a regular basis and how I did not die. I either need to become better at regulating my emotions or forcing my body to do my will and sleep and eat like a normal person.

Srsly, y'all, my brain is dying. It's not quite so dead that I have reached a level of denial about how terrible my work has been and how badly I need to do my damn hair and wear real pants, but it's getting there.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Random Musings

Note to self:
Do not miss class. When you miss class (even for a conference!) you end up stuck presenting on the DNA article, which you don't understand, even a little bit.

So I'm procrastinating reading that article, because really, who wants to read about epigenesis? Not me,  that's who. I'm just having trouble focusing in general. I have a million things I could focus on, and not all of them are boring or difficult. I could, for example, start trying to plan the bachelorette party, which would be fun. I like parties. I like planning. But, alas, I have the attention span of a tweaked-out toddler right now. Also, the concept of planning something from 2500 miles away does provide some degree of difficulty.

I am in the mood for adventuring, but I don't even know where to begin. And it's still cold. I feel like it is much easier to be adventurous when it is warm. And adventuring tends to cost money, which is something that grad students don't have in abundance.

I've noticed that I've been particularly touchy about people/things/comments/comics that are objectifying lately. I feel like that is probably something that I should look into more. I think the whole idea of seeing sex, and by extension, people, as commodities, is really upsetting to me. My Christian Friends might even call it a "Holy Discontent". I really need to sort out my thoughts about God/the Church/my Faith/how I feel about Eternity/etc., but that seems to be wrapped up in therapy, which takes time, energy, and money that I don't really have right now. I do know that in the short run it will take a lot of time, energy, and money, but in the long run fixing those and other issues will create more time, energy and (maybe) money, but I just don't think I'm ready to make that short-term investment yet. I'll get there eventually. I think. I usually come around to the things that are best for me after some time.

Trying to lose weight is such a pain. All the things I really like to eat are high-calorie and not very filling. Being mindful kinda blows, because then you have to hold yourself accountable to your higher-order goals, and there isn't much I like less than being accountable. And it originally flew off, but then I gained some of it back, and I'm trying to get back down again. And exercising is just not working out for me that well. I'm too tired to wake up early and do it, and I would totally do it in the afternoon/evening, but I'm too lazy to shower and do my hair/makeup again, so I don't. And the Dr.'s office has not called me back about a referral for a sleep study, because, let's face it--my sleeping is disordered somehow.

I want to see my friends back home. I want people who speak my language. I feel like I'm less homesick than I was when I first got here, but now it seems like the little things are starting to pile up a little bit. It's like when I went on the pill--I was on a bad one for me, and while it did eliminate my crazy moodswings, it lowered my baseline annoyance level. Everything that used to bother me before now still bothers me, but I am somehow less capable of letting it roll off my back. It's like having a scab that you can't stop picking at. It won't heal unless you leave it alone, but it seems like a lot of things here just pick at the scab. No one speaks my language, or at least, no one here is as fluent in my language as the people back home. I feel like a loser complaining about it though, because it isn't that bad. It really isn't. I generally like the people and stuff here, but some little things are just... annoying.

I was glad that the Giants won last night. I feel bad for Eli, everyone always says he's the lesser man, the lesser QB compared to his brother. And that's just sad. It must suck to be great, but not as great as your brother. But now he has more rings than Payton, so maybe people will leave him alone. I made mom's salsa, and everyone loved it. Big surprise. People always love her salsa.

I would really like to cook more, but I run into 2 main problems: I'm tired at the end of the day, and I feel like it really isn't worth the effort to cook for one. Eating the same thing for a week gets old. So I tend to cook more when I am cooking/eating with the Boy, but that's still only like twice a week. Le sigh. Oh well. I really should work now.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Mama Bear

I'm a Mama Bear. I will freaking take care of you, whether you want it or not. Ask Bestie. Ask the Boy. I can't NOT do something when I see someone I care about in pain, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental. It's compulsive. I have this overwhelming urge to MAKE IT BETTER (imagine the girl rage comic here, because I am too lazy to go find one). Unfortunately, there is almost never anything I can do. The fact that there is nothing I can do to MAKE IT BETTER does not decrease the compulsion. In fact, it makes it worse. Imagine dunking Monk in a giant cesspool--it doesn't make his neuroses any better, in fact, it makes them a bajilliondy times worse (my spell checker is telling me bajilliondy is not a word. I disagree, spell checker, I disagree).
So I recently saw all my peeps from undergrad (yes, I am slightly inebriated as I type this, and that is why I am using words like "peeps". I might have had more wine than I should have on a relatively empty stomach at the colloquium reception tonight...don't judge). And the thing is, they're a little bit... they need a Mama Bear. Or, at least, this Mama Bear thinks so. Because of the fact that they are all independent people and it's their decision whether or not to share their shit with the internet, I'm not going to say why I think they need a Mama Bear, or who they are, but they do. They need someone who will give them hugs and who will kick some ass and who will just sit there and be quiet or talk about life and make jokes and tell them how absolutely fantastic they are (because, fo' realsies, they are. They are like amazing and a half. And I don't think they read this blog, because like I said, I think like 3 people do, and they aren't them, but if they ever stumble across it, I am stating for the record that they are And I have a very low alcohol tolerance. But seriously, they are catches, and they have options, and I count myself lucky to have them in my life.) . They need someone who speaks their language. And I just want to be that person for them, because it doesn't seem like anyone is being that, or the people that are aren't doing it enough, or there is some sort of hole that I wish I could fill for them. There is some degree of support or something that they aren't getting, and I want more than anything to be that, but I can't, because I am 2,500 miles away. (On a more selfish sidenote, I really miss them, too, because I miss having someone who speaks MY language.) And on a more realistic sidenote, I can't be that awesome level of support that I think that they need all the time, even if I was there, because I am only human. The logical extrapolation I would take from my Evangelical upbringing is that they need God/Jesus, but I am still kinda upset with the whole Trinity at the moment (although I am grateful for the miracle of the weekend, and did acknowledge it out loud and now in print), and besides that, they don't believe in Him/Them at all, and I just feel like mentioning that is fighting a losing battle anyway, so I feel like there is something else that can be done... but I still don't know what.
And my mother, and the Boy, and my friends here, they tell me I just need to calm the eff down, because I can't do anything, besides the occasional call or email. I can't hold their hands, I can't fight their battles, I can't bandage their emotional wounds. And the amount of anxiety I have for them--the worry that I do about them, it's just hurting me, and it isn't making them feel any better, and besides that, they can't even see how worried I am about them because they might as well be on the moon. There isn't anything I can do, so the answer is just to... what? Care less? Have you met me? I mean, really. Caring less is not something that I do. Really, I would love to have that ability. It's one of my New Year's Resolutions, but right now, I just don't know how to do it. Something in me refuses to believe that there is nothing I can do to MAKE IT BETTER.
Anyway, this post makes little to no sense. It contains little to no actual introspection, because I already knew I was this way (I did learn that I make more typos when I've been drinking though. Yay for spell check! And Yay is a word, dammit!), but it's something I feel like I need to get out. I will say that after I write something down in the blog, I do worry about it slightly less than I do when I just talk it out with Mom or Bestie or the Boy or whomever. Cosmo does say that journaling is good for the feelings and helps you lose weight (I can't find the article. Sorry). Anyway, now that pretty much everyone has commented on the dark circles and the apparent stress, I'm hoping that sending this out into the ether or the Universe or God or whatever is going to help.