What there is

Readers, I feel really defeated.

Being un/underemployed is really, really hard. And there are no lights at the end of this tunnel, there are only unreturned emails and phone calls the occasional interview that comes to naught. 

What there is, is students who fall asleep while you're tutoring them. Students who fall asleep in the middle of a 1-1 conversation that is certainly not for my benefit. I know what operant conditioning is, thank you, and I have no use for a refresher. What there is is students who curse at you and bemoan your existence in their lives at every opportunity until you finally snap and tell them to quit bitching and do their shit, which lands you in a meeting with your supervisor about "appropriate ways to interact with students". 

What there is, is a lot of crying and staring at your ever-shrinking checking account balance and wondering how you're going to make your student loan payments that start in 54 days.

What there is, is hopes that are dashed and dreams that have come crashing down and the prospect of having worked incredibly hard for 6 years to get a Bachelor's and a Master's degree only to move back in with your parents and face a lifetime of working retail. What there is, is optimism that is crushed every time someone says "we decided to go with someone else." What there is, is a lot of humiliation, embarrassment, and shame every time you have to tell the people who you had pulling for your interview that once again you didn't get it. 

What there is, is a lot of crying and yelling at your boyfriend and your family and your friends about how they don't understand how incredibly awful it feels to see no upside. What there is, is them telling you "at least you don't have other mouths to feed, or a mortgage to worry about," as if somehow being childless and functionally homeless (without the beneficence of The Boy/my parents if it comes down to that) is something that makes me happy.* I understand that my circumstances could be more dire, but this is pretty fucking dire for me. 

What there is, is a lot of people telling you to "enjoy this time because you'll have the rest of your life to work" as if all you ever really wanted to do with your life is to watch daytime television and feel completely worthless and useless because you can't bring yourself to wash last nights dinner dishes because, really, what's the fucking point? 

What there is, is a lot of showering because you're afraid to let yourself become someone who doesn't shower, not because you actually think there is a point to showering when all you do is wake up to go to sleep again. 

What there is is a lot of wondering how none of your friends are in this position and wondering what is wrong with you and what you're doing wrong, because it can't be possible that you can't think of anyone else who had to wait this long for a job after graduation, and if everyone else can make it work, why can't you? 

*I saw a thing on Pinterest the other day saying "Saying someone can't be unhappy because someone might have it worse is like saying that someone can't be happy because someone might have it better." 

The Mary Kay Look--MK Glam Vox Box from Influenster

Hey y'all:

So back when I was going crazy signing up for beauty boxes I also signed up for Influenster, which sends you free stuff to review based on your social media activity and activity on their websites. Since I am (relatively) lazy about those things, I got my first box recently.

It was stuff from Mary Kay, which is a brand that I don't currently use, and after sampling several products, don't think I will use in the future. I just wasn't into any of their stuff.

Things I got to try:

Lash Love Lengthening Mascara: 0 out of 5 Stars
I really, really disliked this mascara. Even after using their primer (which I will review in a minute), and applying several coats, it didn't look like I was wearing any mascara at all. It seriously felt like I was applying water to my eyelashes. No extra length or volume whatsoever. I realize it was free, but seriously, not worth the effort.

Lash Primer: 3 out of 5 Stars
This stuff is ok. It goes on white and dries clear. It does help with volumizing when not paired with MK mascara (I've been using my normal Clinique stuff) and, when I am not too lazy to curl my lashes, helps them hold the curl better. I use it mostly when I have a special occasion or if it happens to be on the top of my makeup bag and I'm not in a rush. It doesn't provide enough benefit for me to add ANOTHER step/type of primer to my everyday beauty routine. The Boy already gives me enough grief about how long it takes me to get ready in the mornings.

True Dimensions Lipstick in Pink Cherie: 2.5 out of 5 Stars
This lipstick is also just OK. The formula isn't bad, and if I hadn't wiped it off immediately because I hated the color on me, I think it would have been fairly long lasting (the 30 seconds I had it on seemed to be enough to stain my lips). However, I don't really wear pink lipsticks, I usually stick to more natural or nude colors, 1) because I like to try to keep my look fairly natural and 2) I think garish lipstick is for 8-year-olds and hookers. Had I gotten it in Sienne Brulee or Natural Beaute, I probably would have given it a higher score.

Cream Eye Color in Violet Storm: 2.5 out of 5 Stars
I normally shy away from cream eyeshadows because they tend to crease and I tend to be allergic to them anyway. I wasn't allergic to this formula (which was shocking), and it didn't crease, but that's probably because I went over it with some powder shadow from my everyday palette because Violet Storm made me look exhausted. I normally don't have that problem with purple eyeshadows and was kind of disappointed that this color was bad on me. In fact, before trying it out, this was the item I was most excited about in the box, since when I switched to the Naked palette I pretty much never wear purple shadows any more and I like the way they bring out the green in my eyes. Oh well.

Cream Eye Color/Concealer Brush:  3.5 out of 5 Stars
I'm really glad that they gave me a brush to use with the cream eyeshadow, because I normally use my fingers for cream shadows and that tends to get a little messy, and I always end up with shadow under my nails. The brush performed relatively well, but wasn't as precise as I would have liked it to be, but I was generally satisfied with it, and if I end up using the cream shadow with a powder coverup again, I'll definitely use this brush. I'll probably just end up washing it out and using it for concealer on days when I'm not too lazy to use concealer.

Overall, I wasn't super pleased with MK as a brand, even if I do wish I could drive a pink Cadillac. Maybe the next box will be better!


Disclaimer:I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

Misadventures in Unemployment

So it's been approximately forever since I've posted, but I was busy for while, and then I was home and unemployed and couldn't bring myself to blog about how pathetic it feels to watch Netflix all day.

Anyway, post-thesis to my birthday was pretty awesome. There was Beach Week, Graduation, a cruise, The Boy's Brother's Wedding (I shall call them "The Golden Boy" and "Little Miss Perfect", because, well, they are. You'd have to meet them. Also, those names may seem snarky, but really it's just a statement of fact. Really.), a trip home, and then back to current city to pack up The Boy because he gave up his apartment and came to crash with me. We're now in his hometown, having gone up to DC for the Fourth again. This year was a little lower-key, but we still had a great time. I played the best game of cornhole of my life, but The Boy's college roommate, who was my opponent, kept matching me and therefore I wasn't actually scoring points. So tragic.

Anyway, I've been applying to jobs and not hearing anything, and it's really upsetting. If it doesn't turn around soon, I worry that I may become full-on depressed, y'all. We leave for our new adventure in like 22 days.

In the meantime, I have a meeting with a friend of The Boy's family who is a career consultant, and then I will be heading back to my apartment to pack and clean and get ready for the move. Oy.

I need mo' skillz

So, with 50 days left until I have to turn in the final version of my thesis, I've started doing things like looking for jobs. And by "started" I mean, I sorta looked at the website of the school that The Boy is going to, realized I have no actual usable skills beyond answering phones and using Qualtrics, decided to put my computer away, and watched Smash.

The Boy has accepted his offer to a large Southern university. Quality of life should be good, because there are a lot of bars and restaurants and music and supposedly fun things to do, I'm told. I haven't actually been there yet. We're planning to go look for apartments (separate apartments, Mom and Dad) after Memorial Day. We will be too busy before graduation, and after graduation we're (or maybe just me, depending on what happens) are going on vacation with my parents (with a possible stop at his parents'), and then he has his brother's bachelor party to get to.

I seriously need ideas of things to do, because being a master of psychology is actually like the second least-useful degree ever (after possibly art history or something), because at least with an underwater basketweaving degree, you have shit you can sell. No one wants to buy psychology (outside of graduate school), at least not the way I know how/am qualified to do it.

I don't want to do any more school for at least a year. Probably more. Probably none ever, except maybe a class here or there on a foreign language or photography or some sort of other artistic medium or something.

I know before I was all like "I can do ANYTHING! I'm smart and I have skillz and people LOVE me!" But I realize now that I was foolish. I know nothing about business, or sales, or any of that shit, and frankly, answering phones just doesn't pay enough. And, also, honestly, all of those things sound like the worst thing ever.

Anyway, I should be doing the writing I actually have to get done now. So blogland, I need ideas of geographically-restricted jobs that pay a lot of money and don't make me hate myself and my terrible life choices. Pretty please?

Moving Forward

So I have 74 days until I need to turn in the final, edited, defended version of my thesis in order to graduate on time.

I think this is possible. IRB approval might prove to be a bit of a challenge, but data collection should go rather quickly, and there is no reason why I can't graduate on time.

I haven't gotten any acceptances from graduate schools yet, and I'm not really anticipating any. I think the "Dear God, please don't pick me, I don't actually want this" came through at my interviews and I wouldn't take someone with that attitude either.

I've decided that what I want over the next few years is simple.
-I want to be doing something that I like enough to not be counting down the days until it's over (that was poor writing, but I think you follow me).
-I want to be making enough money that I can pay off my loans from this program in <5 years, save up for down payment on a house in 1-2 years (unless we end up in CA, in which case, eff that), that even on top of those things, I can go out or buy things when I want to without worrying about it.
-I want a job that I can leave in the evening and not worry about until I go in again in the morning.
-I want a house that I can make my own that feels like it's my home. I don't like this temporary feeling that I have here--it feels like an extended hotel stay.
-I want to throw a lot of money into an IRA.
-I want to do interesting things again. I've gotten really boring while I've been here.
-I want to audition to do a few commercials. I think it would be fun and a good way to get my acting fix and make some extra money.
-I want to be better about cooking regularly.
-I want to position myself such that if I decide to go back and get my PhD, it won't be impossible.
-I want to learn something new--a new language, or an instrument, or Japanese flower arranging, or how to properly use Photoshop--basically something that isn't related to psychology.
-I want to be in a place and surrounded by people who bring out the best in me, instead of the worst.
-I want to find some sort of exercise that I enjoy doing (swimming? affordable yoga? hiking?)

Anyway, I know that we shouldn't spend a lot of time "waiting for life to start", but that's really what I feel like I'm doing right now. I'd like to get out of my lease and just move to where I'll be sometime in June or July, but I might not even go until August, which means that for the next 2-4 months, that's precisely what I'll be doing.

Conferencing and Interviewing

I'm sitting at the airport waiting for my flight to the large conference I'm going to this weekend. I'm excited because I get to see all my peeps from back home, and let me tell you, they are a riot. (Also, conference gods, the Universe, God* , and whomever else may be listening: there will be none of the shit that we had at last year's conference. I can't handle that again. Are we clear?) It's in a cool city that I've never been to before, and there are adventures to be had. On that note, from the end of December to the end of January, I will have been in 7 cities in 4 states. Holy frequent flier miles, Batman! (except non-revers don't get frequent flier miles. And a lot of that travel involved driving). I'm gonna present a poster, and I'm pretty sure that it'll be my last one. I've done like 7 posters, and I think it's time to start trying for talks. If I get in. 

The Boy and I have been flooded with interviews. And when I say "The Boy and I", mostly I mean The Boy. He has 4 (FOUR!) in-person interviews. I have 2. Unfortunately, even though 3 of these interviews (2 of his and 1 of mine) are at places we both applied to, none of our interviews overlap at all. That is stressing me out. There are still chances that we will each hear from the schools that the other already has an interview to, because we're applying to different disciplines, but it isn't looking good at this point. That leaves 7 overlapping schools, including my undergrad, which would be ideal. If we both get in there and I manage to convince his parents to move out there (which his dad might be amenable to), I would be so, so happy.

Superman already had one and should be hearing from other programs in the next couple of weeks. Roommate has 3 (maybe 4?--including one that puts her in direct competition with the boy), another girl in our program has at least 1, and I'm sure the other person from our class who applied will definitely get a few interviews as well (I haven't talked to him since we left for winter break). We're pretty successful.

Anyway, even though people keep telling me things will get less stressful, I'm not seeing it. Between interviews, the like 5 studies I have to work on for my RAship (we're running out of time!) and my thesis, I don't think this semester is going to slow down at all. Oh well.


*Mom, chill out about the order. I'm not be sacrilegious, I'm clearly being facetious.